strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
