I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize