I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Randomize
