My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
barbara walters just said penis...
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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