dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Randomize
