her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
i wish my penis had a tongue
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Randomize
