so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
you made out with another girl for some wings
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
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