we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
