I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
