I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I can text with my tongue
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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