I think my fart just growled at me.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
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