Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
