I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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