just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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