A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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