Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
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