Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
