I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
