bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
We need to rekindle our bromance
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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