...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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