Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
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