You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
