my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
