Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
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