took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
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