I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
