Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
