Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Randomize
