I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
