I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
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