Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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