the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
