Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
