After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
