So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
