why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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