Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
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