Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Cover your peen. We're going out.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize