You're my little dorito
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
