Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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