it's too hot outside to masturbate.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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