after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
