I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Randomize
