So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize