Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
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