oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Randomize
