Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
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