But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
