I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Randomize
