kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
