I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Randomize
