I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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