he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
