Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
