I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
