You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Don't make out with my wife yet
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
BRING THE BAGELS
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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