she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Can i not drive my cunt home
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
