I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
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