I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize