my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Randomize
