mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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