You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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