I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
