yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
