i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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