apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
